According to the lefty arguing programmes on the radio today, birds get upset when blokes do this on the bus these days.
The Jokes Thread...
- Thread starter JBLfan
- Start date
Top 15 jokes of the 2024 Fringe
1. I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship but I bottled it. - Mark Simmons
2. I've been taking salsa lessons for months, but I just don't feel like I'm progressing. It's just one step forward... two steps back. - Alec Snook
3. Ate horse at a restaurant once - wasn’t great. Starter was all right but the mane was dreadful. - Alex Kitson
4. I sailed through my driving test. That’s why I failed it. - Arthur Smith
5. I love the Olympics. My friend and I invented a new type of relay baton: well, he came up with the idea, I ran with it.- Mark Simmons
6. My dad used to say to me “Pints, gallons, litres” – which, I think, speaks volumes - Olaf Falafel
7. British etiquette is confusing. Why is it highbrow to look at boobs in an art gallery but lowbrow when I get them out in Spoons? - Chelsea Birkby
8. I wanted to know which came first the chicken or the egg so I bought a chicken and then I bought an egg and I think I've cracked it. - Masai Graham
9. My partner told me that she’d never seen the film Gaslight. I told her that she definitely had - Zoë Coombs Marr
10. The conspiracy theory about the moon being made of cheese was started by the hallouminati. - Olaf Falafel
11. I’m an extremely emotionally needy non-binary person: my pronouns are ‘there there’. - Sarah Keyworth
12. I've got a girlfriend who never stops whining. I wish I'd never bought her that vineyard - Roger Swift
13. Gay people are very bad at maths. We don't naturally multiply. - Lou Wall
14. Keir Starmer looks like an AI-generated image of a substitute teacher - Sophie Duke
15. Growing up rich is a hereditary condition. It affects 1% of people - Olga Koch
1. I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship but I bottled it. - Mark Simmons
2. I've been taking salsa lessons for months, but I just don't feel like I'm progressing. It's just one step forward... two steps back. - Alec Snook
3. Ate horse at a restaurant once - wasn’t great. Starter was all right but the mane was dreadful. - Alex Kitson
4. I sailed through my driving test. That’s why I failed it. - Arthur Smith
5. I love the Olympics. My friend and I invented a new type of relay baton: well, he came up with the idea, I ran with it.- Mark Simmons
6. My dad used to say to me “Pints, gallons, litres” – which, I think, speaks volumes - Olaf Falafel
7. British etiquette is confusing. Why is it highbrow to look at boobs in an art gallery but lowbrow when I get them out in Spoons? - Chelsea Birkby
8. I wanted to know which came first the chicken or the egg so I bought a chicken and then I bought an egg and I think I've cracked it. - Masai Graham
9. My partner told me that she’d never seen the film Gaslight. I told her that she definitely had - Zoë Coombs Marr
10. The conspiracy theory about the moon being made of cheese was started by the hallouminati. - Olaf Falafel
11. I’m an extremely emotionally needy non-binary person: my pronouns are ‘there there’. - Sarah Keyworth
12. I've got a girlfriend who never stops whining. I wish I'd never bought her that vineyard - Roger Swift
13. Gay people are very bad at maths. We don't naturally multiply. - Lou Wall
14. Keir Starmer looks like an AI-generated image of a substitute teacher - Sophie Duke
15. Growing up rich is a hereditary condition. It affects 1% of people - Olga Koch
This review of hair removal cream is the best I’ve read.
Try to read this without laughing
Review on Amazon: Veet -- the Men's Hair Removal Gel Creme (from hell) . . . Check out this Amazon review of Veet -- the Men's Hair Removal Gel Creme (from hell) . . .
Try to read this without laughing
Review on Amazon: Veet -- the Men's Hair Removal Gel Creme (from hell) . . . Check out this Amazon review of Veet -- the Men's Hair Removal Gel Creme (from hell) . . .
How to wash a cat
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl...
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'Power-Wash" and 'Rinse'.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Yours Sincerely.
The Dog
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl...
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'Power-Wash" and 'Rinse'.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Yours Sincerely.
The Dog
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in... Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in... Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Pm demands all sausages to be returned 
I’m guessing they aren’t pork hostages…I’ll get me coat…
