The Jokes Thread...

A man in the USA wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, youprobably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... something happened.I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was choppedoff in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurancecompensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did -better in fact! But the thingis, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.'The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decidehow many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with yourwife. I mean, if you had a five-inch one before, and you decide to go fora nine-inch one, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine-inch onebefore, and you decide only to invest in a five-inch one this time, she mightbe disappointed... So it's important that she plays a role in helping youmake the decision.'The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the nextday.' So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?''I have,' says the man.'And has she helped you in making the decision?''Yes, she has,' says the man.'And what is it?' asks the doctor.'We're getting granite countertops.'
 
A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?' "

"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"

One male parrot looked at the other parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"
 
@Cuffy - I've got a few responses to that but none of them are suitable for the innocent souls on this forum.
 
I managed to get through to Heart FM quiz this afternoon . Hi your live on the radio what’s your name … Skyliner33 I replied , ok Skyliner33 today you have drawn geography questions , answer all 5 questions correctly and you will win our mystery prize worth over £10,000 , are you any good at geography , I’m like yeah I’m decent to be fair. I love travelling and very keen on holiday programs etc ,

He said ok the prize is a family season ticket for an executive box at Old Trafford
And your 1 question is … What is the capital of France?? Portsmouth I replied.
 
I managed to get through to Heart FM quiz this afternoon . Hi your live on the radio what’s your name … Skyliner33 I replied , ok Skyliner33 today you have drawn geography questions , answer all 5 questions correctly and you will win our mystery prize worth over £10,000 , are you any good at geography , I’m like yeah I’m decent to be fair. I love travelling and very keen on holiday programs etc ,
He said ok the prize is a family season ticket for an executive box at Old Trafford
And your 1 question is … What is the capital of France?? Portsmouth I replied.
You don't like prawn sandwiches then? :unsure::confused:
 
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